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It's not foolish to ask for love.

Early this week I read, on referral, a book on prosperity consciousness and it was filled with a crazy amount of quotes, many of them out of the Old Testment of the Hebrew Bible, that said simply to ask for what you want.

Once upon a time - at Easter of '90 - I asked for what I needed/wanted (strength) and I got it. It came to me immediately. I just gave a sermon on grace and told that story and I called it grace.

So, on Wed I started saying, over and over: "I ask the divine rich substance of the universe to please, according to your will, send me a partner in love."

Curious. On Wed afternoon I picked up a grinder from a guy I used to have a crush on. I asked after his girlfriend and he told me that he was single now, that he'd broken it off after almost a year and that he was much relieved.

Interesting. I don't want to date the guy because he's a borderline alcoholic & gambler-every-night to boot and I'm not into dating addictions, but I would say it was kind of a heads up for me. I'm choosing, in other words, to attribute meaning to it, although I don't have to. Good meaning. A sign. A small promise back, from the universe.

Someone on my Twitter feed told me that it was foolish to ask - that it was simply up to me to discover the gifts I'd already been given. This guy's been married to his wife for 38+ years. Very easy for him to say that partner love is everywhere - he's had it all his life.

No, it's not foolish to ask.

But I want to know why "partner" love has not been in my life. I have the love of family and friends. But when I've fallen in love - and I fall in love a lot - it's nearly always been one-sided. For the two people I've actually had "relationships" with: I wasn't in love with Pat, but I was attracted to that attraction. Jose wanted a girlfriend-for-nooky on the side of his girlfriend-for-life and at the time I needed the attention. No other dates other than two with Eric in '90 and two with someone in '95. (I didn't date Pat and I didn't date Jose.)

Interesting that both actual relationships involved people who (a) wouldn't kiss and (b) had major abandonment issues. Interesting that of the last two men I fell in love with (one-sided), one was gay and the other hated women & needed to punish them.

My brother, until he found his current girlfriend (she had to push to get him to ask her out & they are perfect together), had the same issues: always dating people with massive abandonment issues.

What is this? Why do people not love me? Why only craptastic pairings?

Someone once said to me that it was easier for me to fall for someone who was unavailable, but then she would not explain why. (She wanted to remain the Sage.) I don't particularly understand my radar for unavailable people.

I don't have an answer, but I'm tired of it. There's some kind of victim thing built in there that says "well, no one loves me, no one's ever loved me." I have to let that go because it's making me tired. I'm tired of saying "well, he liked me but he couldn't do anything about it" - making excuses.

There's a profound loneliness that goes with it too. I'm better with someone, I'm pretty sure. Not because I want to lose myself: it's the extrovert part of me. I want someone I can explore ideas with, for example. And I need touch - so little of my life has had the touch of a lover.

So, instead of the helpless and hopeless approach, I simply decided to ask. Ask and ye shall receive. I am very clear on what I want, because I have learned a lot. I don't think I'm particularly picky - the ability to laugh and see joy in life and be on a seeker's journey is pretty much the length of the list (and he's got to be almost entirely sober).

I don't know how to read the red flags, though, even now. I've already got a crush on someone far away which is ridiculous because he's unavailable. Part of this is that I can live the relationship in my head. At least I can recognize it now - just as I can recognize the grinder guy as not being a great partner.

There's a lot of stuff from Dr. Google on being attracted to unavailable people. Profound insecurity, a lack of emotional vulnerability and all that. But I don't understand the link between insecurity and emotional vulnerability, nor do I understand the link between those two and finding an unavailable partner.

I suppose this is also why I've always built a wall around my body, to keep people away. I also asked this week that I could forgive and release everything I'm holding onto, holding tight to, that's no longer serving me. I remember that the less I held onto, the stronger I was - back in '99-'01, before I started to withdraw again on Pat's orders. It was either build the wall again or leave the relationship and I wasn't ready to do the latter so I built the wall again.

I like to think that with the body wall, no one will be attracted to me. But then I see people all the time, wall and all, with partners. So, it isn't really that. That's a convenient excuse.

Anyway.

Reorienting the brain's way of thought is valid. Billion-dollar industries are built around it. If I can stop focusing on "never finding love" and start focusing on "love is coming" and that it will happen, then I think that would be a good thing. The latter gives me hope. So much of my life is turning to bright shining gold that I want this area to be golden, too. I want real, mutual love between me and a partner. I ask for it here and now.

Nope, that's not foolish at all.

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( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
jackkansas
Jul. 10th, 2011 08:11 am (UTC)
You don't have to put her in my house,
Just bring her up to my door.

— [old blues number, date and title forgotten]

To find a prince you've gotta kiss a lotta frogs.
— urban lore

We all need love, but sometimes it's amazing the amount of crap we have to go through to get it.
— Richard Braughtigan

I truly believe that for each of us there are dozens and dozens and dozens of people out there with whom we would be compatible and could establish happy, sane relationships directed towards whatever goals we have. The trick is to find them.

It's important to have some idea of what works for you and what doesn't. You'll fiddle with this list all your life, but it's important to start with something so you don't waste time. Sounds like two items on your list are that someone be sober and single. That's an excellent beginning, and it pays to take some time to think about it (how do you feel about smoking, for example?). I would suggest that you not to be too restrictive on physical requirements — lot's of women want tall men ("I like to wear heels"), and the competition in that arena is stiff. Short guys might have more of the personality traits that you seek.

Many of the men you find attractive will be taken. Study what it is you like about them so you can enhance your search list. There are dozens of partners out there for you, and many of them will be unattached.

Don't rely on the Brownian movement of the Universe (aka "God") to turn up someone compatible at work, school, or church. God helps those who help themselves. Don't wait for something to wash up on shore — swim out there and grab it. By which I mean, you gotta cast your net wide — for starters, you need quantity, not necessarily quality. You need choices — that's what your list is for, so you can choose between the junk, the gold, and the maybes.

I met the love of my life through a personals ad in a San Francisco weekly paper. She died of cancer at age 33, so we never had the family we wanted. I met my current partner of eighteen years through an online personals newsgroup. My point is, you've got to cast your net wide, so you have choices. You need to transcend the limitations of geography and neighborhood — that's why God gave us the Internet. I don't know what the right forum is for you — Single Booklovers? eHarmony.com? www.UnitarianSingls.com?

When you find someone promising, send him to me and I'll ask him his intentions. B^)

Good luck!

[edit] I neglected to add that in all probability, whoever comes to love you will love you for aspects of yourself that are totally invisible to you. This will surprise and amaze you, but you should have faith that it will happen. We don't always see the qualities in ourselves that others see. Intellectual people tend to be very hard on themselves. You need to have faith that you have qualities that others will love that are invisible to you. Faith. Isn't that why you're a minister?


Edited at 2011-07-10 08:39 am (UTC)
shesingsnow
Jul. 10th, 2011 11:01 am (UTC)
It's hard to explain to someone what it's like to have no hope.
shesingsnow
Jul. 10th, 2011 03:33 pm (UTC)
Mindset
Thank you.

I didn't communicate it well, but I was really talking about it being important to change the mindset. Rather than approaching life to say "it's not possible"...it's more about trying to change to say "it is possible." That opens up possibilities, I would hope.


shesingsnow
Jul. 10th, 2011 03:34 pm (UTC)
It also makes sense to try to understand why I've been attracted those particular people and to try to change that part of myself that's looking for that. Not there yet!
jackkansas
Jul. 10th, 2011 07:34 pm (UTC)
Part of the process I outlined above involves a certain amount of self-knowledge and personal change — you try to become aware of behavior that isn't getting you what you want and change it. As a trite example, I am prone to being attracted to highly intelligent but emotionally chilly women. I have learned that I do better with partners who may not be as brilliant but who are warmer emotionally. (Fortunately, I have found lots of people who are both.)

There is much to be cynical about in this world of chance and accident. But I think true wisdom includes not burning your bridges before you come to them. Smart-but-insecure people often try to work everything out intellectually before taking action and end up paralyzed. You can't back into life. Good luck in your quest.
shesingsnow
Jul. 10th, 2011 07:48 pm (UTC)
Thank you! :-)
anita_margarita
Jul. 10th, 2011 06:51 pm (UTC)
Why do people not love me? Why only craptastic pairings?

Because the ones you have crushes on are not capable of love. That's THEM and THEIR stuff.

I think the real issue here is not the empty people, but that you're still attracted to people who are unavailable, emotionally or otherwise. This is to protect yourself, or to perpetuate a cycle you're familiar with - even though it's an unhappy cycle, it's what you know.

shesingsnow
Jul. 10th, 2011 07:03 pm (UTC)
Exactly - to get out of that cycle. I think that's going to be the key to having healthy relationships.
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )