Once upon a time - at Easter of '90 - I asked for what I needed/wanted (strength) and I got it. It came to me immediately. I just gave a sermon on grace and told that story and I called it grace.
So, on Wed I started saying, over and over: "I ask the divine rich substance of the universe to please, according to your will, send me a partner in love."
Curious. On Wed afternoon I picked up a grinder from a guy I used to have a crush on. I asked after his girlfriend and he told me that he was single now, that he'd broken it off after almost a year and that he was much relieved.
Interesting. I don't want to date the guy because he's a borderline alcoholic & gambler-every-night to boot and I'm not into dating addictions, but I would say it was kind of a heads up for me. I'm choosing, in other words, to attribute meaning to it, although I don't have to. Good meaning. A sign. A small promise back, from the universe.
Someone on my Twitter feed told me that it was foolish to ask - that it was simply up to me to discover the gifts I'd already been given. This guy's been married to his wife for 38+ years. Very easy for him to say that partner love is everywhere - he's had it all his life.
No, it's not foolish to ask.
But I want to know why "partner" love has not been in my life. I have the love of family and friends. But when I've fallen in love - and I fall in love a lot - it's nearly always been one-sided. For the two people I've actually had "relationships" with: I wasn't in love with Pat, but I was attracted to that attraction. Jose wanted a girlfriend-for-nooky on the side of his girlfriend-for-life and at the time I needed the attention. No other dates other than two with Eric in '90 and two with someone in '95. (I didn't date Pat and I didn't date Jose.)
Interesting that both actual relationships involved people who (a) wouldn't kiss and (b) had major abandonment issues. Interesting that of the last two men I fell in love with (one-sided), one was gay and the other hated women & needed to punish them.
My brother, until he found his current girlfriend (she had to push to get him to ask her out & they are perfect together), had the same issues: always dating people with massive abandonment issues.
What is this? Why do people not love me? Why only craptastic pairings?
Someone once said to me that it was easier for me to fall for someone who was unavailable, but then she would not explain why. (She wanted to remain the Sage.) I don't particularly understand my radar for unavailable people.
I don't have an answer, but I'm tired of it. There's some kind of victim thing built in there that says "well, no one loves me, no one's ever loved me." I have to let that go because it's making me tired. I'm tired of saying "well, he liked me but he couldn't do anything about it" - making excuses.
There's a profound loneliness that goes with it too. I'm better with someone, I'm pretty sure. Not because I want to lose myself: it's the extrovert part of me. I want someone I can explore ideas with, for example. And I need touch - so little of my life has had the touch of a lover.
So, instead of the helpless and hopeless approach, I simply decided to ask. Ask and ye shall receive. I am very clear on what I want, because I have learned a lot. I don't think I'm particularly picky - the ability to laugh and see joy in life and be on a seeker's journey is pretty much the length of the list (and he's got to be almost entirely sober).
I don't know how to read the red flags, though, even now. I've already got a crush on someone far away which is ridiculous because he's unavailable. Part of this is that I can live the relationship in my head. At least I can recognize it now - just as I can recognize the grinder guy as not being a great partner.
There's a lot of stuff from Dr. Google on being attracted to unavailable people. Profound insecurity, a lack of emotional vulnerability and all that. But I don't understand the link between insecurity and emotional vulnerability, nor do I understand the link between those two and finding an unavailable partner.
I suppose this is also why I've always built a wall around my body, to keep people away. I also asked this week that I could forgive and release everything I'm holding onto, holding tight to, that's no longer serving me. I remember that the less I held onto, the stronger I was - back in '99-'01, before I started to withdraw again on Pat's orders. It was either build the wall again or leave the relationship and I wasn't ready to do the latter so I built the wall again.
I like to think that with the body wall, no one will be attracted to me. But then I see people all the time, wall and all, with partners. So, it isn't really that. That's a convenient excuse.
Reorienting the brain's way of thought is valid. Billion-dollar industries are built around it. If I can stop focusing on "never finding love" and start focusing on "love is coming" and that it will happen, then I think that would be a good thing. The latter gives me hope. So much of my life is turning to bright shining gold that I want this area to be golden, too. I want real, mutual love between me and a partner. I ask for it here and now.
Nope, that's not foolish at all.